Wanting Daughters, Getting Sons

Found this blog posted on Motherlode.  It was a heartwarming post.  Although I can't say that I've always wished for a baby daughter, I do agree that in the end, no matter what we have, be it boys or girls, we all just want and wish for what is best for our kids.

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Wanting Daughters, Getting Sons

When I set out to find guest bloggers, my goal was to find parents whose life equations were made of different variables than mine, to reflect the range of ways to be a parent. Enter Allison Tate, who, lives in a house full of boys, and sometimes feels lost amid the testosterone.

Yes, Allison’s life is different — after a career in TV and film development, she is now a stay-at-home mom in Central Florida, while I stayed in the workforce. She has three children, I stopped at two. But the true difference is that she’s in the middle of it — raising three sons ages 6, 4 and 16 months. My tales of those stages are memories while hers are immediate. I have the benefit of hindsight; she has the edge of the moment.

Listening to her describe her feeling that she is not living the life she’d expected brought a particular pang of recognition. Like Allison, I always assumed I would have daughters. And I admire her honesty here in describing how she is still coming to terms with the fact that she will not.

BY ALLISON SLATER TATE

When I conceived my first child, I wanted more than anything for him to be a girl. I whispered at night to my burgeoning belly, “Be a girl,” much to my husband’s horror and dismay. It’s not that I didn’t want a son. It’s just that I wanted to know for sure I would be able to have a daughter, and so having one first would get that worry out of the way.

I had been planning my whole life to be the mother of a daughter. I had mothered 22 Cabbage Patch Kids, named all my Madame Alexander dolls, and signed imaginary Christmas cards with the names of the children I would someday have.

My future daughter had a lot of Anne of Green Gables and Ramona Quimby to look forward to, as well as French braids and tutus and Mary Janes and apron dresses. She was going to watch “Felicity” marathons with me and ogle the new J. Crew catalog and have annual viewings of “It’s a Wonderful Life” with me under a blanket with hot chocolate and lots of whipped cream. She was going to be, I thought, my best friend. You know, until she reached her teenage years and all. But that would take a loooong time, and then she would come back to me and we could plan a wedding together and I could watch her fall in love and have babies of her own.

My worst nightmare, back then, was that I would end up being a Mom of Boys, one of those women with a “practical” haircut and flat shoes who spent her afternoons at the baseball field and washed a lot of sweaty athletic clothes. A Mom of Boys bought a lot of boring clothes for her children — polo shirts and khaki shorts and Nike trainers. She was looked on with pity by the Moms of Girls, who color-coordinated with their daughters and took them on trips to the American Girl store and “The Nutcracker” and who had princess birthdays and tea parties with their mommy friends.

As you have probably guessed, my first child defied me, as he continues to do to this day, and was, indeed, a boy. And I loved him with all my heart. But when I conceived my second child unexpectedly, I thought for sure it was fate. I wasn’t yet ready for another, so surely this one would be a girl….

Nope, another boy. A sweetheart of a boy. A really, really good little guy. Then we had our third child, our last child, a child I thought for sure would be a little tomboy sister and…all of a sudden, here I am: Mom of Boys.

I now see it as a challenge to redefine this whole Mom of Boys thing. I’m not giving up my ribbon flip-flops and I am not giving up my Vera Bradley diaper bag. I still wear lip gloss and I do not in any way have a practical haircut. I can play Star Wars and Transformers, but I draw the line at Pokemon — I don’t do anime.

I trudge out to the soccer fields, and root for teams where the girls are the stars, if only because they are heads taller than the boys. I drool over their cute little pink Pumas and make sure my own boys have the cutest soccer water bottles and cute haircuts and cute backpacks. And I am making new literary lists full of Henry Huggins and Superfudge and the Hardy Boys and Magic Tree Houses. I’m still going to read them “Anne of Green Gables,” because they need to know about strong female characters (like their mother). They are still going to have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” with me so they can see what a wonderful character George Bailey is. I want sons like George Bailey — sons who make good, close friendships and who can dream big dreams and who fall in love.

As I raise my children, I am forever conscious that I am raising little men. I want them to be men who take responsibility, who aren’t afraid of commitments and who thrill with the thought of a challenge or an adventure. I want them to be both spontaneous and thorough. I want them to be able to cry and show emotion. I want them to love and be loved.

It’s all the same wishes I would have had for daughters, when it comes down to it.

The clothes just aren’t quite as cute.

Some thoughts from Elizabeth Gilbert

From the author of "Eat, Pray, Love":

~

"Real, sane, mature love -- the kind that pays the mortgage
year after year and picks up the kids after school -- is
not based on infatuation but on affection and respect."

~

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's
what everyone wants.

"But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows
you everything that's holding you back, the person who
brings you to your own attention so you can change your
life.

"A true soul mate is probably the most important person
you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and
smack you awake.

"But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful.
Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another
layer of yourself to you..."

~

"People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects
of each other's personalities. Who wouldn't? Anybody can
love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that's
not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this:

"Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner's
faults honestly and say, 'I can work around that. I can
make something out of that.'? Because the good stuff is
always going to be there, and it's always going to be
pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you."

~

Her new book "Committed" is out now, Yey!

How to Help Your Children Be Free of Stress and Anxiety

By Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
Expert Content  |  June 15, 2010

   

What do you want most for your children?Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, father of eight children, has spent plenty of time trying to figure out just that! Get his five suggestions to help your children live happy and stress-free lives without limits. 

Everyone is entitled to feel peaceful within; happiness and fulfillment are the birthright of every single human being on our planet. Twenty-five years ago, I wrote a book called What Do You Really Want for Your Children? (Morrow, 1985). At that time, I wanted to offer a way for parents to help their children achieve what moms and dads around the world want for their kids: to value themselves, to be risk-takers, to be self-reliant, to be free from stress and anxiety, to have peaceful lives, to celebrate their present moments, to experience a lifetime of wellness, to be creative, to fulfill their higher needs and to feel a sense of purpose—that is, to be no-limit people. As a parent of eight children, I consider it my greatest parenting achievement that my kids are now all no-limit adults.

When I learned my voice was going to be used in an animated Pixar film, it reminded me that we are, in fact, all still children inside, striving as adults to be all the things we want for our kids. While our entire world seems to be anxiety-ridden these days, I offer the following suggestions I wrote to parents 25 years ago, the children of whom likely have their own kids today. See if they work in your efforts with children, regardless of their ages, and even with yourself, since you too have a child inside who wants to come out and enjoy life.

   

Relax in your efforts to have young children get ahead of the game early in life.

It is not necessary to spend endless hours teaching children reading, math, foreign languages and the like, long before school begins. While it is absolutely wonderful and helpful to allow them to explore everything as young toddlers, the pressure to excel, to be ahead of the other children, all in the name of being fast and first at what they do, is putting the anxiety pressure on when they are still in diapers. Children need to develop at their own pace. They will walk when they are ready. They will not embarrass themselves in college with dirty diapers simply because they are not toilet trained sooner than other toddlers. It will come. Relax. Do no force them. Allow them to enjoy their young years. While it is nice to be highly motivated, it is also nice to be well balanced. Being able to relax and enjoy life is at least equal, if not superior, to being at the head of the class and always being nervous inside because of an inordinate need to be first.

Examine your own life for stress that you may be modeling.

Stop trying to be the perfect mother, father, wife, single parent, homemaker, teacher, aunt, counselor or whatever. There is no such thing as a flawless person, so why not give up that ghost in favor of being a stress-free, happy person? You will never be appreciated by everyone all the time for everything you do, and any amount of upset you have because people do not appreciate you is a waste of your present moments. Do the things you do because you choose to do them, not so you will be seen as perfect. The best role model you can be is one who is happy, stress-free and feeling good about yourself.

Give children an opportunity to have the luxury of a sense of privacy.

Don't make them feel pressured to be with other people all the time. Children need to learn how to be alone. Many children complain constantly that they are bored, they have nothing to do and they hate leisure time. These are the sentiments of children who have grown up thinking others have a duty to keep them entertained. They have always had some kind of activity, and if they get bored, then someone will take care of things for them by taking them somewhere or turning on the TV or buying a new toy. This is a child who is growing up expecting action all the time. This translates to anxiety about having to be alone. Let them play alone; in fact, encourage it. Expose them to books, newspapers and magazines right from the very beginning. Let them have a place where they can go to be alone without feeling that they are doing something wrong. Privacy is terrifically important as a way to avoid anxiety, and the child who experiences it when very young, and learns not to be threatened by it, will have a big head start on not feeling anxious when "there is nothing to do."

Try to remove the pressure on children to acquire external rewards throughout their lives.

Help them to focus on the pure enjoyment of playing baseball, rather than on winning a trophy. Teach them to love baseball all of their lives, rather than learn to avoid it because they are not supremely talented at it. Do not give them early reasons to avoid anything in life, which is precisely what you do when you place the emphasis on achieving external awards rather than internal fulfillment. Rather than focusing solely on a report card grade, which is less important later in life, talk with them about what they are studying, how they can apply it in life, whether they are happy with themselves in school, what they like to study and what meaning they see in it for them now and in the future. If they pursue only the award, once they have attained it, they may no longer wish to pursue that area or endeavor. I would assume you want your children to love music, not to pass the obligatory music class and then disavow any interest in music for a lifetime. Teach them the inner joy of learning and applying what they gain for themselves.

  

Let children set their own goals for themselves.

Stay out of the way of their grandiose dreams except to serve as a positive encourager. Most children are afraid of their own greatness and set their sights too low, or they are the product of parental interference in which parents, well intentioned though they may be, tell their children what they should aim for in life. If an 11-year-old girl wants to be a doctor, encourage her to dream in that direction, even if she hasn't shown what you think are the appropriate aptitudes or attitudes. If she is not going to become a doctor, she will make the adjustments as she goes along, and there is no problem in having to adjust one's goals. If you tell children they cannot do something or to be more realistic, you are only teaching them to distrust themselves and to become unnecessarily anxious about something that will surely work itself out.

  

No-limit children have learned a different response to the same stimuli because they know the world to be friendly. Their behavior is meant "for the best," or at least their mistakes are "honest." Therefore, if an action goes awry, it does not elicit feelings of guilt. Remorse, learning, redoing and improving are possible responses instead. Rather than worry, a no-limit child sees future events as exciting adventures, opportunities to grow, chances for fun challenges and new experiences. Since self-worth is not tied to performance, the worry about "doing well" is eliminated. No-limit children are "doers," and guilt and worry do notdo anything. Thus, it is very unlikely they would bother themselves with negative thinking or destructive behaviors.

Living is not a race; it is a journey, something to be enjoyed each day. You can do a great deal to help children to understand this important truth, and you will get a nice bonus as well—that is, a lot less anxiety for yourself as part of the bargain.

Some time ago, my mother wrote me the following poem that summarizes beautifully the feeling I want to convey to anyone involved in a child's life.

WAYNE
A mother can but guide ...
then step aside—I knew
I could not say, "This is the way
that you should go."

For I could not forsee
what paths might beckon you
to unimagined heights
that I might never know.

Yet, always in my heart
I realized
That you would touch a star . . .
I'm not surprised!
— Hazel Dyer

You can help your own children to touch their own stars if you follow that important advice. Guide, then step aside.

Dr. Wayne Dyer is the co-author of four children's books, the most recent titled, No Excuses (Hay House). His voice can be heard in the new Pixar film Day & Night, released June 18 with Toy Story 3. 

PTC Meeting - 1st

Rod and I attended our first Parent-Teacher conference with Joshua's teachers at TLC.  I arrived at the set time with an open mind, willing to listen to whatever the teachers would report and whatever goals they have set for my son.  I had no expectations whatsoever since my son has only been in school for 3 weeks.  But I was very pleased with the outcome of the meeting.

First we discussed the daily activities at school and what they do for every block.  Then the teacher gave a detailed assessment of how my son was doing in class and here are the highlights:

1.  Joshua's favorite toy in class are the toy animals.  First thing he goes to when he comes into class are the toy animals.

2.  He doesn't like being touched initially.  During circle time and it's time to hold hands with his classmates, he'd hide his hands in his pockets (hahaha!)

3.  He behaves well in class and listens & follows instructions well.  

4.  He especially likes listening to teacher's stories and he would really focus on the books, unlike a few of his classmates who would roam around during story time.

5.  Joshua's motor skills have improved a lot.  He can now scoop different sizes of seeds into the different containers.

6.  He has learned to share his toys and snacks with his classmates.

7.  Teacher Anne said that his speech was not delayed, as we initially feared.  He was not able to form words clearly yet, but from their experience, this was not something to be worried about at this stage.  We just need to give him a little more time to start talking.

8.  Finally, he's no longer a leg-clinger!!!  This in itself is a big achievement for my little one since he really is not used to being left alone among strangers.  After the 2nd week of classes, he was fine if we left him in class in the morning.  He'll even blow us a kiss and wave goodbye to us before going to play with his new friends.

I'm really proud of my little Joshua.  Thinking back on our discussion with teacher made me a bit teary-eyed since these are new milestones for Joshua that I can be proud of.  This also means that he's now become a little bit more independent than he used to be.  But he'll always still be my baby.      

Happy Father's Day!

For driving me (Joshua) to school every morning,

For playing wrestling with us,

For taking care of our needs,

For being there when we need you,

For drying our tears when we are sad or hurt,

For loving us everyday.

Thank you and happy father's day!

WE LOVE YOU!

Not So Little Anymore

Drink of the Day:  A Tall Starbucks Caramel Frappuccino

Yesterday was a big day for me and my first born, Joshua.  It was the first day of school for my little one!   

We both got up early to get ready for school and we were out the door by 7:45am.  By 7:50am, we entered the gates of The Learning Connection in San Juan, where Joshua will be spending 2 hours a day for the rest of the school year.  We met her 3 teachers, Teacher Anne, Teacher Christina and Teacher Mariel, who were very friendly and accommodating.  Joshua was a bit shy at first and yaya had to stay with him the whole class, just to make sure that he won't cry with the new surroundings and people.  But according to yaya, Joshua didn't cry at all and by the end of the class, he was following all the teachers' activities and making new friends.  He even brought home 2 stars and a  stamp for the good job he did in class.

I guess it's a bittersweet moment for me.  On the one hand, I'm very happy and proud that my little one is growing up and starting his own adventures outside of our home.  He'll be learning new things and making new friends.  On the other hand, I'm also a bit sad....and maybe a bit nostalgic.  Because this means that my little Joshua is not so little anymore.  He'll be experiencing new things that I won't be a part of.  And he'll be forming new attachments to people I won't know very well, like his classmates.

Good luck my love.  May the world show you what a wonderful place it can be!  I will always be here to guide you and help you whenever you need me.

Thank You Boys...

Today I realized something about being a parent.  I realized that in as much as we have to teach our kids about life, they in turn also teach us valuable lessons.

I have been fretting for the past week about my son Joshua's delay in speech.  His pediatrician finally recommended that we go see a developmental pediatrician to have him evaluated and see if he needs extra help and therapy.  Joshua turned two years old last April 12th, and according to his pedia's charts, he should be speaking about 50 words by now and putting two words together and forming short sentences.  So the past few days, I've been forcing him to repeat words that I have been saying to him, before giving in to whatever he wants.  But so far no such luck for me.  Let's say I ask him to say "mama", he'd say it back to me.... say "yaya" and he'd say it again.  But do it again the third time like "dada" and he will just look at me, kiss me or distract me, but he refuses to say it.  This got me worried.  I don't know if he's just being hard headed or he really doesn't know how to say it.  I kept on waiting and waiting for him to do it, until he ended up crying, which broke my heart.  So I ended up just carrying him on my shoulders and giving him a kiss instead.  After he's calmed down, I gave him a talk while carrying Kenji.  I told him that Mommy is here to teach him so he shouldn't be shy if he said his words wrong.  I just keep pushing him so that he can practice his speech and I'm always here to teach him and not laugh or judge him.  I think he got what I meant.  Coz when we proceeded to just play around and asked him what his little brother's name is, lo and behold, he answered, "Kenbi!"  

This made me realize that my son Joshua is a GENIUS!  I also realized that I should just be patient and let him develop in his own time.  And also accept him as he is.  I don't need to compare him to other kids his age, coz he might not be speaking as fluently as other kids, but his mind is probably developing at a faster rate than his tongue.  So I just have to let his speech catch up with his brain.

I also realized how lucky I am to be blessed with two wonderful sons, who are just there to love me and my husband unconditionally, and to make us smile.  We are happy to have two little miracles in our lives.  Thank you boys....We love you.

Review: Haircut by Mr. Shin of Beauty Brick

Got a haircut last week from Mr. Shin of Beauty Brick Hair Art Studio.  The place was recommended by a cousin because it was near our office.  It was also one of the Korean salons featured on Spot.ph. (See article below).

The place was very artsy and kitschy, with minimal decor.  Staff was courteous and pleasant.  But more importantly, I loved my new haircut by Mr. Shin.  I wasn't ready to let go of my long locks, but Mr. Shin made it so much lighter and it also looks shinier.  I can do more stuff with my hair now in terms of styling.  Maybe next time when I'm ready to go shorter, I will ask Mr. Shin to do a funkier 'do for me.  But for now, I'm H-A-P-P-Y!

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~From Spot.ph~

Beauty Brick Hair Art Studio
Address: Unit 103 Doña Consolacion Bldg., 122 Jupiter St., Bel-Air, Makati City
Contact: 473-5108; 0917-5200044
Operating Hours: 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. daily

Go for: Haircuts by salon manager Shin, P600

Why We Liked It: Shin can shape your strands and give you a cut that suits your face shape and personality. If you want something a bit more edgy and Korean pop-ish, he’ll willingly oblige and pull it off with pizzazz. But, if you want something more conservative and easy-to-maintain, he can also take your locks to the next level of gorgeous—as if you had a mini makeover.

What Else To Try: Gals who want straight hair can try their version of rebonding called the Magic Perm, which starts at P3,000. But, be willing to listen to Shin’s urging if he says a perm will suit your hair and look better on you. For those with dry, damaged hair, try the Clinic Perm, P1,900 for medium-length strands, which starts with a treatment followed by a traditional perm.

My Little Kenji Is Sick Too...

Energy Drink of the Day:  A Starbucks Grande Iced Caramel Macchiato with Forest Ham, Egg White and Cheese on Ciabata Bread (yum, yum, yum!)

My little Kenji also got sick yesterday.  He had a low fever and didn't want to be laid down at all.  I think he's teething coz I can see the shape of teeth coming out in his lower gums.  Thank God he's all better now, no more fever.  But still having trouble drinking from his bottle.  Hope he gets better by tomorrow.  At least he's all energetic and smiling again.

Also found out that some of the kids from Derrick's gathering last Sunday during the Pacquiao-Clottey fight got the fever.  I guess it really was a viral infection that got to Joshua and Kenji.

Was a bit busy at work since Cherrie left for Canada today.  Our office Internet sucks as well.  Hope we can get PLDT up and running soon so I can have Eastern cancelled.  I can get Eastern out of my hair once and for all!  Bad connection and sucky service.

Just found out from the maid that Joshua likes watching Wowowee.  He's fascinated with all the sexy girls dancing in their skimpy outfits.  According to yaya, he doesn't want them switching the channel to cartoons when he sees "Congratulations" (that's the name of one of the girls) dancing.  I know I shouldn't be encouraging this, but Rod and I find it hilarious.  I'm sure at this stage there's still no malice in Joshua's mind regarding these girls so I let him watch TV for a short while with the maid and yayas.  Will probably have to limit his TV-watching once he's a little bit more grown up.  Anyways he doesn't watch TV when his dad and I are at home.

I think I hear my hubby downstairs home from his basketball game.  Will go talk to him about our car situation for tomorrow.

My Little Joshua’s Really Sick

Energy Drink of the Day:  A Starbucks Grande Mocha Frappuccino

When I got home last night, I immediately went to look for Joshua to feel his forehead, and he was indeed HOT to the touch.  Took his temperature and turns out he had a fever, 39.1degC to be exact.  This got me worried coz the fever was a bit high, so we gave him paracetamol and asked yaya to give him lots of fluids.

 Joshua was masungit last night and he didn’t want to play at all.  He just wanted to cuddle and have me or yaya to carry him.  I guess he really wasn’t feeling very well.  He has several molars coming out of his gums as well, so maybe that’s why he had a fever.  He also didn’t sleep after waking up at 2am.  But this morning, the fever was gone and at least he was smiling.  I told yaya to continue monitoring his temperature and if he develops a fever again, to give him medicine and fluids.  I missed my happy and playful Joshua last night.  You really don’t realize what you have until you lose it, even for just a day.  I’m glad that he’s back to his happy self and playing with Kenji again today.

Kenji Lee

Energy Drink of Choice : A Grande Green Tea Frappuccino with whipped cream --> surprisingly good and refreshing

Saw my 4 1/2 old month son Kenji rolling back and forth in his crib this morning.  I was so pleased and proud of him!  This is the first time I actually saw him doing this, I thought he was only able to roll to his stomach, but wasn't able to go back to a lying position.  Well I was wrong.  My little baby's growing up so fast....

Have to call home, yaya Jean texted to say Joshua has a low fever, but I doubt that it is really a fever coz his temperature was just 37.2 deg C.  Anyway, will find out now...

Caffeine....It's a Good Thing

Energy Drink of the Day: A Starbucks Grande Iced White Chocolate Mocha, plus a slice of banana loaf

Galing talaga ng Starbucks magbenta!  I got suckered into buying one of their cups while lining up yesterday to buy my drink.  I got one of those cups that look like their plastic cups, with matching green straw for P450.00.  It’s reusable and washable.  The barista told me that if I bring my own cup, I get a discount of P5.00 automatically.  How many drinks do I have to buy to recover my P450.00?  90 cups!  Haha….I guess it’s my small way of helping save the planet since I won’t be throwing away plastic cups everyday.    Consuelo de bobo kung baga.  I’ll post a photo of the cup one of these days.

 I think I’m turning into a caffeine junkie!  I’ve been getting a drink of coffee at least 3 times a week since I gave birth to Kenji.  And it has to be a Grande or Large size drink.  It started out as me having to stay awake while at work and having to get up several times during the night to pump (only nursing moms would understand this).  I was able to redeem a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf planner for drinking X amounts of cups and I even bought a their Swirl card so I can get a P5 discount for every drink that I get.

At first I was worried that I might be passing on the caffeine to Kenji thru my breast milk, but after some research, I found out that 1-2 cups a day of coffee is ok and won’t affect my son.  So I gave in to my weakness and thus started an expensive, but delicious habit.  Now if only my dentist would approve of the coffee stains that I get on my teeth from the coffee, I would be so much happier!  J

A New Start

Drink of the Day:  Starbucks Grande Iced Signature Chocolate with Whipped Cream and Chocolate Shavings on top.

Ordered additional Miso Chicken with Wasabi Mayo and Mango on Italian Bread for extra energy boost

Today, I vowed to myself that I will try to post a blog about my daily life at least 3x a week just to keep a journal about things and to keep a record of my thoughts and observations.  Time goes by so fast and things just get busy that sometimes I don't even remember what I ate for dinner the day before, so I think keeping a daily journal will be a good way for me to express feelings, vent frustrations and record observations.  It's also a good way to journal about my sons' latest antics.

To start, I am a mother of 2 sons -- Joshua Han is 1 year and 11 months old, while Kenji Lee is 4 months old.  Having two boys at home really takes a lot of energy and sometimes I feel guilty that I don't spend enough time with my family.  Mind you, I have to juggle a full time job, nurse my 4-month old, take care of my husband and manage a household, that by the time my head hits my pillow, all I can do is close my eyes and immediately go to sleep.  When I open my eyes the next day, the rat race begins again.  I'm not complaining since I love my kids and husband to pieces, but sometimes I just wish that there was more than 24 hours in a day so I can do more stuff.

This morning, I went to the Canadian Embassy to apply Kenji for a Canadian Citizenship.  Buti nalang there was no line-up and I was the 3rd person to be helped.  And buti nalang all my requirements were complete and I don't have to go back again to resubmit anything.  Funny that the embassy officer asked me if Kenji was born to the same father as my first child and if he was born full-term or premature.  I guess when she saw Joshua's birthdate of April 12, 2008 and Kenji's birthdate of November 8, 2009, she decided that they were too close in age to be full-term babies.  Or worse that I father would want to impregnate me so soon after the first one!  Haha.

That's all for now, it's almost time to go home.