Repost: Kent Nerburn on Marriage

Posted By Dr. Ben Kim on Mar 14, 2005  Emotional Health and Well-Being The following is an excerpt on marriage from Letters to My Son: A Father's Wisdom on Manhood, Life, and Love , by Kent Nerburn. Many thanks to Mr. Nerburn for graciously encouraging us to share his thoughts with our guests. *** Sometimes marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives. When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends getting married from reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fervor, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering days and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate. On rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to flow in each other’s presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other’s foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other’s habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other? The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages of a relationship. Sexual attraction blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming physical fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together. Truly fortunate partners manage to become longtime friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other’s laughs, passions, sadnesses, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept up into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality. Laughter is one clue to compatibility. It tells you how much you will enjoy each other’s company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. If you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn dour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together. Look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing blinds them to the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can’t accept, you will inevitably come to grief. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually, the two of you will not respect each other. Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides within the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and practical, you must take care that the distance does not become an unbridgeable chasm that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood. Take the time to choose a partner carefully and well. Then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your life. Miracle is a powerful word, and I choose it carefully. But there is a miracle in marriage – the miracle of transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will bloom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come. If we have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If we have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, or we do not tend our marriage with care, then the bloom will be flawed. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience.

Repost: Six Questions to Ponder in Choosing a Life Partner

Posted By Dr. Ben Kim on Apr 27, 2011 

• Emotional Health and Well-Being

I've long felt that choosing a life partner should be a subject that is thoroughly discussed sometime in high school and perhaps even in university. It amazes me that so little time, if any, is given to considering this topic on a meaningful level in school.

Near as I can tell, it's probably the single most important decision that all of us can make.

My take is that most people who get married in modern society don't have the foresight and life experience needed to make the best possible choice.

I'm sure that some people do think things out to a degree that would make Dr. Phil and Oprah proud, but from my little spot on the planet, it looks like most of us, myself included, rely mainly on our instincts to choose the one person we want to be with forever.

And why wouldn't we? Society teaches us that love is what matters. Love is the only thing that matters, right? And what is love? Isn't it that special feeling that occupies your thoracic cavity and makes you feel blissfully alive?

Well, here are some thoughts that I would like my loved ones to consider in choosing a life partner:

Do you like him?

To me, it's not about if you love him. It's if you actually like him.

The challenge is in knowing if what you are feeling is genuine like as opposed to fool's like, which I think is really just a symptom of being intoxicated with lust (which I don't have anything against - I just wouldn't recommend choosing a life partner with fool's like being a primary source of fuel to maintain a healthy relationship).

How do you know if you genuinely like and admire him? Ask yourself if you would want your child or future child to marry someone like him. And in answering this question, think about how he consistently behaves, not what he says.

As most of us know, feelings of "being in love" come and go. I wouldn't want to rely on such feelings to keep my life partnership healthy and intact. Much better, I think, to have a foundation of genuine like in place. Because ultimately, we want to spend our time with those we genuinely like, no?

Why do you like her?

Being drop dead gorgeous, having a trust fund, and taking good care of you are all weak reasons to like someone. They belong in the what she can do for me category, which includes the need-to-have-a-trophy-partner-by-my-side-so-that-I-feel-less-like-the-troll-that-lives-deep-within-me reason. Not a very solid foundation.

She can make you laugh your socks off? You admire the way she treats others, especially in instances when she is unaware that you are aware of what she is doing? She inspires you to strengthen your character? You respect her work ethic? Here and there, she blows you away with her thoughts? Now we're talking about some power fuel to sustain feelings of respect, genuine like, and even adoration for a lifetime.

Do you have the same basic attitudes and beliefs about religion?

Specifically, do both of you have about the same tolerance level for other people's beliefs? If not, think carefully about how this might affect the way that you feel about raising your children together.

Speaking of children...

Do both of you have similar feelings on having or not having children? If both of you want to have children, do you have a good inkling of what type of parent your partner would make?

Are you relatively clear on how much time you would like to spend with parents, siblings, relatives, and friends on both sides of your family?

If you're the type that would absolutely love having your parents in their golden years living next door or at least in the same town, I would suggest making this perfectly clear and asking your potential life partner to give this careful consideration and letting you know how it sits with him or her.

I imagine that very few life experiences can create more sorrow than not being able to spend time with your loved ones or, on the other side of the coin, being forced to spend time with people who make it clear through their behavior that they don't cherish you.

Do you have similar money values?

What do both of you like to spend your money on? Do you spend the bulk of your money on things or experiences? How much do you spend on items and experiences that aren't essential to your survival? How much do you like to save?

***

Those are the big ones for me. They're the issues that rise above the inevitable squabbles that accompany all life partnerships and float around in potential deal-breaker territory.

To be clear, if you just don't like who the other person is (not as obvious as you'd think or hope in the honeymoon phase), if you don't really laugh together, if you don't have the same basic attitudes about religion, having children, raising children, other family members, close friends, and money, you have one or more deal-breakers staring you in the face.

And people who genuinely care for you won't want to hear "but I love him." Because they'll be able to see what you can't see in the moment; that what you're feeling isn't real love; it's something else. Something very different from love that will probably make you want to punch yourself in the face a few times every day for the rest of your life beginning in the near future.

Okay, I'm getting carried away, but hopefully, my thoughts on this topic are clear. And for sure, they're just my thoughts, things that I hope my loved ones consider before they choose to get married, should they decide that marriage is for them.

Earlier this morning, I asked those who follow our facebook page to share their tips on choosing a life partner. Choose your best friend, choose someone you respect, be super careful - these are the recurring pieces of advice that I see in the many responses. Please feel free to browse through them and even add your own here:

What would you share with your child, grandchild, nephew, or niece about choosing a life partner?

Hope this collection of thoughts on choosing a life partner is useful to someone out there.

From Tina Fey - Bossypants

"The Mother's Prayer for its Daughter" by Tina Fey

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered,

May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half

And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the nearby subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock N’ Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.

Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes

And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.

Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long,

For Childhood is short -- a Tiger Flower blooming

Magenta for one day --

And Adulthood is long and Dry-Humping in Cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever,

That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers

And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister,

Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,

For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord,

That I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 a.m., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck.

“My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental note to call me. And she will forget.

But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

Courage

I was looking through Oprah's website, and their show about a little boy named Clayton who was Tortured by His Own Family: The 6-Year-Old Chained in a Closet really hit me.  With two little boys at home, I wonder how people can treat their own children this way.  One reader posted this comment and I thought it really was fitting.


"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." ~ Mary Anne Radmacher


God bless Clayton for his courage, and God bless all those people who helped and saved him that he's now grown up to be a good man, despite all the adversities he had to face before he was 6 years old.

Shu Uemura Haul

Dropped by Powerplant Mall yesterday and walked into the Shu Uemura store just to browse.  The lady there really knows how to do a sale!  Got the following items with no intention of buying anything whatsoever.  And I had to do a gulp when I handed her my credit card.  Haha!

Limited Edition Sakura Underbase Mousse in Beige

Eyebrow Pencil Hard Formula

Eybrow Manicure

I've used the first two items today, and so far I'm loving them. ♥ The mousse has really made me less oily today, considering that it's sweltering hot outside right now.  And I love the brow pencil and how natural it looks on me.  Haven't figured out how to use the eyebrow manicure yet.  Let's see how it goes the next few days.  


Have a great day!

Motherlode - In Praise of Pink Polish

I honestly don't see what the big deal is about boys wanting to play with "girly" stuff.  Living in the Philippines, where it is culturally more conservative, or as what people would like to appear to others, there is still this stigma that boys who choose to play with dolls and who wear pink will turn out gay.  I'm surprised by the reaction I get when I say that I want to buy dolls to play with my boys, since we usually get toy cars and trucks as gifts from friends and family.


I just don't believe it that girly toys will make boys gays, and manly toys will make girls lesbians.  It's just not possible.  I grew up with 2 boys and played with their guns and trucks and what-nots, and I'm still as girly as they get.  Read the article below and see what you think.


*********************************************************************************************************
April 14, 2011, 1:03 PM
By LISA BELKIN


My inbox makes it clear that you want a chance to discuss boys and pink nail polish, aka “How a Photo of a Mom Spending Time with Her Son Fed the Culture Wars.”


For those who have not been following it, a quick recap by the writer Katie Phillips on the Web site Forbeswoman.com:


In an online promotional photo entitled ‘Saturday with Jenna,’ J. Crew President and Executive Creative Director Jenna Lyons poses playfully with her five-year-old son Beckett. The picture, meant to depict carefree weekend leisure and feature ‘off-duty’ fashion staples, shows Jenna and Beckett, laughing and cheerful, with a jar of crayons and a bottle of pink nail polish on a table beside them – the same shade of Essie polish that’s featured prominently on Beckett’s toes. The caption below reads: “Lucky for me, I ended up with a boy whose favorite color is pink. Toenail painting is way more fun in neon.”


As expected, the Gender Police have emerged from their dark caves in flocks and a national debate has ensued about the “correct” way to raise children, as well as the importance of honoring one’s biologically assigned gender.


Erin Brown of the right-leaning Cultural Media Institute has called the advertisement “blatant propaganda celebrating transgendered children” in an article that claims Beckett has been exploited for the sake of identity-politics. The choice of the word “celebrating” is an interesting one. I’ll address that later.


Dr. Keith Ablow, Fox News contributor, wrote this offensive piece about how “our culture is being encouraged to abandon all trappings of gender identity” in favor of a more “homogenized” model; the effects of which, Dr. Ablow admits, remain to be seen. He doesn’t hesitate to theorize on the potential outcome of such a liberal approach to child rearing, throwing around offhand comments about “Prozac” and “psychotherapy,” doling out judgments as swiftly as he claims psychiatrists prescribe drugs.
Other voices rose up too, praising J. Crew for blasting through gender stereotypes, and chastising Dr. Ablow and Ms. Brown. Change.org created an online petition to “Thank J. Crew for its heartwarming” ad, and last I checked it had over 7,500 electronic signatures.


And Jon Stewart offered up his own summary last night.


Time to add your thoughts.


Does painting a boy’s toes pink somehow “make” him gay, or transgendered? Is his mother irresponsibly exposing him to ridicule by “celebrating” his love of pink and polish? Or is the problem that there’s not enough celebration out there of kids in all their varieties, and is this a step in the right direction?

Steve Jobs - You've Got to Find What You Love

This is the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

Happy 3rd Birthday Joshua!

Happy 3rd Birthday Joshua!


I can't believe you are no longer "almost three", but really three years old today.  It seems like yesterday when Daddy and Mommy brought you home from the hospital and I had no idea on how to take care of you.  I had to rely on yaya, Ama and Doctor Joy's help to get me through the anxieties and uncertainties of caring for you.  You were so tiny then, that you could fit snuggly in my arm.  And we would take naps together in the afternoon that first month so that I could recover my strength after labor, and you could grow up to be bigger and stronger.  But the truth is, I just watched you sleep.  Coz I couldn't get over the fact that this little miracle is finally here with me.


With all the "firsts" that you went through this year, Daddy and Mommy couldn't be prouder!  You can now go to the bathroom by yourself, brush your teeth, put on your pants by yourself, comb your hair and talk non-stop!  When we started school last year, you cried and cried coz you were so scared of us leaving you.  But now, you really love school and found your confidence.  You've also gained new friends and new people who love you.  But don't grow up too fast, ok?  I don't want you driving cars anytime soon.


Happy birthday my little ray of sunshine.  Stay as sweet, joyful and loving as you are.  More wonderful years to come.  Mommy and Daddy love you very much!